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Understanding teen tantrums
I have three children ranging from an eight year old boy to two teenagers a boy of sixteen and a girl of eighteen, they all have tantrums. Kids throw tantrums for one of two main reasons. When your child is having a tantrum they are trying to tell you something that is important to them, and it's important that you listen. They either want something they are not getting or
they are being asked to do something they don't want to do. Emotional blackmail is a very large part of any teenager’s arsenal, where if they do not get what they want, when they want it, they normally come out all guns blazing. I find the biggest problem in coping with this situation is when those teenagers are not your own, and the added complication arises when one parent (normally the mother) of the teenager sides with the teenager because, for some while they have had to deal with the unruly teenager by themselves, so intervention from a new often male father figure isn’t acceptable and often causes conflict between both adults. What makes the situation even more complex is when the teenager believes as a result or not having a parental figure around, starts to adopt the position of the missing parental figure. This can lead to allsorts of conflicts after the arrival of the new partner. Where they once felt they could get away with something because of the lack of that parental influence, they no longer can, and often result in battles of interest and/or authority. Compromise plays a large part in keeping unruly teenagers in check, once you know what they want you have to decide whether or not to give it to them. Make the decision a solid one and stick with it. Once you decide whether they can have the item or not you must stick to the decision no matter how much they beg or scream or paddy out. If it's something they can have and want badly enough, tell them how they could have asked for the item without throwing a tantrum. Once they ask nicely give it to them. If you want to place a condition on it, do it. I will say something like, "You can have it if you clean your room or do some chores first". Then after a few screams and door slams you normally get what you want. Frequently in life we all have to do tasks we would rather not. Some people don't want to go to work. Some children don't want to go to school. Often kids only want to play and nothing else. It doesn't always matter what they want to do, they still have to do what they have to do. Your jobs to make sure they do it. It pays not to offer too many rewards, over time wean them off rewards. If you give too many rewards they will start expecting rewards for everything, and you will go broke. After they have started getting a reward for a certain thing, and they do a good job and earn the reward for that thing every time make the job a little more challenging and make the reward smaller. the goal to eventually wean them off the 'rewarding' altogether. Eventually you want them to just do what they're told just because they should do it, and respect your decision/request. Biggest tip I can offer: Never raise your voice, it turns a heated conversation into a shouting match, kids absolutely love to shout the loudest to get their point across.
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Contributor's Note
The way we communicate with our children often has more affect on their overall behaviour than we would ever care to admit.
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Teenage Stress
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You are so right. Yelling at teens only only makes things worse. Meeting their emotional blackmail with logical conditions is the one of the few things that work, but only if Mom and Dad can stand together as a unit.
CONTRIBUTOR'S REPLY
It's a slow gradual process of completely reversing normal psychology to be at least one step ahead of your teenagers.
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This intel was contributed by Puniksem
Puniksem
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May, 2012
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